Office Tales

Disclaimer: I did not write these, I merely translated them from Russian. I hope they are as funny to read as they were in Russian.


Tetris

The Boss came to the department to ask whether the report was ready. The report was not ready. Everybody was ashamed. The Boss was angry, kept asking who played Tetris instead of work. Everybody answered, “Not me”. Petrov was clever. The Boss asked him, “Did you play Tetris, Petrov?” Petrov said, “What is Tetris?” The Boss praised Petrov. Everybody else was ashamed.


Coffee

Secretary Masha came to the department and said that the coffee was over. Everybody started looking around their desks for coffee. Sidorov was stupid and said, “I have coffee at home”. And accidentally looked at Masha. Masha misunderstood and slapped Sidorov on the cheek. Sidorov cried and kept asking, “What for, Masha?”


Sysadmin

Sysadmin was clever. Everybody asked him to install the messenger. Sysadmin would say, “The Boss does not allow the messenger.” The coworkers bought him beer. Sysadmin installed the messenger but said, “If the Boss finds out, he will tell me to turn it off.” Whenever Sysadmin’s beer was finished, he would go to the server and turn off the messenger. The coworkers would worry and buy him more beer. Sysadmin always had beer.


Kittens

Webadmin Tanya came to the department and said that the cat that lived outside the office has just had kittens. Everybody went to look at the kittens. Webadmin Tanya said, “They are so cute!” Zinaida Stepanovna, who was a bookkeeper for forty years, said, “Let’s give them some milk.” Sidorov was stupid. He took one of the kittens, brought him to his desk and put him on his CPU. The CPU was warm. The kitten was frightened and peed into the CPU. Sidorov’s computer does not work. Sysadmin came over, said unpleasant words to Sidorov. The Boss also said unpleasant words to Sidorov. Sidorov was ashamed and cried.


Birthday Present

Petrov had birthday. Everybody gave him presents. Webadmin Tanya gave him a beautiful cup. The Boss gave him a day off. Zinaida Stepanovna, who was a bookkeeper for forty years, gave him woolen socks. Max gave him a bottle of vodka. Sidorov was stupid. He asked Max, “What are you giving Petrov vodka for? He doesn’t drink.” Max replied, “Mind your own damn business” and drank the vodka himself at the birthday party.


Porno

Sysadmin came to the department and said, “Web traffic has exceeded the quotas. Who’s been surfing porn sites?” Zinaida Stepanovna, who was a bookkeeper for forty years, said, “It wasn’t me.” Everybody believed her. Sidorov was stupid. He cleared his history, but never deleted the temp files. He also said, “It wasn’t me.” Sysadmin looked into his files and asked, “Why did you lie?” Sidorov was ashamed. The Boss came to the department and found out. He reprimanded Sidorov and asked, “Sidorov, don’t you have a woman?” Sidorov was ashamed even more, and then cried and quit his job.